A search results poem.

People find my blogs using the weirdest search queries. Of course, I expect a strange mixture of results since I blog about science, reptiles, religion, alternative medicines, heroes of mine, and random shenanigans I get up to. Recently a friend was sharing the stranger queries that found her blog and I showed her mine. It was then suggested that the quantity and bizarre nature of the search queries would lend themselves well to an epic poem. In a wonderfully productive afternoon, I have constructed an epic poem written using only search queries that have been used to find my two main blogs. Every line is a separate and complete search query that has found either this blog or Reality Is My Religion. Enjoy.

A Chimpanzee’s Memory.
Composed by Peter Harrison. Written by the people who searched for his blogs.

I question my existence.
What is my scientific name?
Rhacodactylus ciliatus?
Do I have powers?
BOOM.
Fire came out of my fingers.
I went to London.

The British Museum has a stairway with a statue.
It was a strange museum.
Images of rare ocean fish.
Pictures of anacondas eating people.
Photos of extraterrestrials.
Photo shoots of people at the beach.
Recent pictures of the Obama girls.
Space scenery.
An interesting museum.

They had animals.
Really strange animals.
Dolphins sleeping.
Dolphins sleeping with one eye open.
Fucking knackered.

Other bizarre animals.
Brain slugs.
The coolest parasites.
Every single starter Pokemon.
Green Iguana.
Blue Iguana.
How many types of Iguana are there?

Really strange animals.
Animals and cunts,
from the Cayman Islands.

There was a section for,
The most recognised names in mankind’s history.
Richard Nixon.
Good fucking grief.
Atheists won’t believe I speak to ex-presidents.
Neil Armstrong dancing.
I love the way you move, the way you walk inside the room.

I have so many questions but not enough time.
How can I tell if a religious person is a reptile?
Why do our bodies become lighter after death?
How long can I hold a python upside down before it breaks?
Will homeopathy help my penis?
Is Sarah Jessica Parker attractive?
How do you make a cake in the form of a camera?
Peace for all mankind tattoo?
Rubik’s cube tattoo?
Rowan Atkinson tattoo?

Government arresting psychics over earthquake prediction.
Is it worth predicting earthquakes knowing it might not be right?

Richard Dawkins.
His religious experience confronting ovaries.
Icelandic people and,
Endless Iceland,
Caused Dawkins to shut down his forum.

Peter Harrison vs Richard Dawkins
Please don’t pray for me.
Is Richard Dawkins dead?
Smackdown.
Celebrate death.
Religion is funny.
Different forms of bullshit.

Lessons in life:
1. Everything is a miracle.
Example:
People with no genitalia.

2. Science has made god redundant.
Examples:
Lizard eyelashes.
Robot dinosaurs.

3. Tweet in Japanese.

4. Don’t pee in the ocean.

Things that make me angry:
A distinct lack of morale in the shed.
A pink Rubik’s cube.
Why do blonde girls like pink?
How to tell if a toy is for girls or boys:
I stuck it in my eye.
Never again if they don’t pay.

Things that make me sad:
A chimpanzee’s memory,
He died from laughter.
A friend’s war cartoon,
Something that makes me smile but it’s not real.

Things that make me happy:
I’m a cowboy riding a dinosaur.
Riding a fucking dinosaur.
At least I can say I’ve lived.

A Chimpanzee's Memoriespoemsearch queiriessearch results

Cycling Scotland end-to-end in 3 days

I’m posting this months in advance because it will help keep me motivated and it gives more time for donations.

To raise funds for the Scottish Association for Mental Health, I’m going to be cycling unsupported (no car carrying my stuff) the length of mainland Scotland over 3 days. I’ll have to cycle further and faster than I’ve ever done before, and I’ll need to cycle thousands of miles in preparation. The journey is from John o’Groats to Kirkmaiden, chosen because it is the traditional journey often used in Scottish poems. Kirkmaiden is further south than Carlisle but still in Scotland (it’s actually quite near Northern Ireland). I’ve never cycled 160 miles on consecutive days so this will definitely be a challenge. This is a solo challenge, not part of an organised event.

1 in 4 people suffer with their mental health, and there’s still a stigma making life harder for them. The SAMH provides support but also educates to shatter the stigma. Not everyone can afford to make donations every time they see a JustGiving page. But donations can be very small, and anonymous. If all my Facebook and Twitter friends donated even £1 then we’d destroy my current target. It would also mean so much to me. Thank you!

Please take a look at my JustGiving page!